


Mischief

by Crookes



Category: The Last Kingdom (TV), The Warrior Chronicles | The Saxon Stories - Bernard Cornwell
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Humor, M/M, More bickering and swearing, Osferth being super supportive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 15:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17004276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crookes/pseuds/Crookes
Summary: It started as a joke to mess with Alfred's priests





	Mischief

**Author's Note:**

> So it turns out I'm not the only person in the world who loves these two idiots which was quite heartening so I wrote a fake relationship fic because every start-up ship needs one I guess and I wouldn't put anything past Uhtred when he wants to outrage some priests.

Father Pyrlig was the first to mention it.

Uhtred had been summoned to the Witan and Alfred’s priests were everywhere. As one of the few priests to enjoy the status of not being wholly disliked by Uhtred, Father Pyrlig was dining with him and his men in one of the nearby tavern’s the first night.

Finan was already several ales deep as he chatted with the Welsh priest, both of them teasing Osferth for blushing every time the tavern keeper’s wife came to serve them more drinks. 

Uhtred was a couple seats down from them, he had been quieter than usual but Finan knew that a day of having to argue with noblemen and priests alike to prove his worth had put him in a foul mood. 

If Finan could hit them all upside the head with the flat of his blade he would, and gladly.

It was as Father Pyrlig was calling for more bread and cheese that Uhtred stood and announced he needed fresh air and a piss. He clasped Finan’s shoulder on the way past and smiled distractedly at his comrade. Finan watched him leave and worried whether he should check on him or not.

“You’re a good Christian lad aren’t you Finan?” Father Pyrlig interrupted Finan’s train of thought.

He turned back to the table to see that the food had been passed around and Osferth had abandoned talking to him and the Father in favour of one of Uhtred’s saxon men sat next to him who was less likely to make fun.

“Christian, yes Father, but I can’t say I’m always good,” Finan winked as he pulled a hunk of bread off the loaf on the table and dipped it in his ale to soften it slightly.

“Who amongst us is?” Father Pyrlig laughed, “You do your best though and you certainly do your best by the men here and by Lord Uhtred so on my account I reckon you’re a good man.”

Father Pyrlig bent closer to Finan and began to speak more quietly. 

“On account of this respect that I have for you and indeed for Lord Uhtred, I wanted to be the one to bring it to your attention that there have been whispers going around, before things get out of hand.”

“What whispers would these be?” Finan prodded.

Father Pyrlig shifted uncomfortably.

“It just happens to have been brought to my attention that some folk and some of King Alfred’s priests are beginning to believe that yourself and Lord Uhtred and quite close, do you see what I mean?” The Welshmen looked imploringly at Finan, wanting him to understand without having to be more explicit.

Though usually Finan would enjoy winding someone up by feigning ignorance he had to admit that this time he was genuinely at a loss.

“I’m his second-in-command Father, I would be a bit worried if we weren’t close,” Finan arched an eyebrow.

Father Pyrlig sighed and seemed to try and steel himself to explain.

“The rumours are implying that you are close like a man and his wife are close,” the priest finally elaborated.

Finan stared blankly at him for almost a full minute and then burst into laughter so loud half the tavern turned round to see what the commotion was.

Within seconds Finan was up and off his bench and dragging Father Pyrlig with him, still laughing to himself. 

They didn’t have to go far, Uhtred was leaning against the wall outside planning how to deal with the next day’s discussions with a room full of men who had never even seen a shield-wall let alone been in one.

“Oi you grumpy bastard listen to this, it’ll cheer you up,” Finan teased hitting Uhtred on the arm to bring him out of his sulk, “Go on then Father, tell him what Alfred’s priests are gossiping about now.”

Father Pyrlig shuffled up to Uhtred looking uncharacteristically embarrassed.

“So it may appear that some of the priests hereabouts have got the slight impression that yourself and our Finan here are perhaps, well, riding your horse backwards, sort of together if you see what I mean Lord.” 

Uhtred looked at Finan and back at Father Pyrlig. It took a moment to register what the Welshman was implying and when it did Uhtred too burst out laughing.

“See?” Finan grinned as Uhtred’s laughter eased off, “Told you it would cheer you up, these priests just get better and better with their stories about you.”

“It’s better than that story about me eating animal hearts every night!” Uhtred agreed.

“What do you say to messing with them at the Witan tomorrow?” Finan suggested.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Father Pyrlig asked.

“Why not? I could use something to amuse whilst I listen to the fools drone on about how we should just make more peace treaties and send missionaries out to the Danish army,” Uhtred concluded.

“Well on your heads be it,” Father Pyrlig rolled his eyes, “I’m going back in where it’s warm, I’ll leave you to your plotting.”

Finan chuckled as the Welshman retreated, he turned and waggled his eyebrows at his friend.

“So how do you want to play this?” Finan asked.

“Well they’re apparently already convinced we’re humping, we just need to play it up and watch the chaos,” Uhtred smirked, “just follow my lead tomorrow.”

“Always do Lord,” Finan cracked. Uhtred laughed and slung his arm around Finan’s neck as they followed Father Pyrlig back inside to ale and warmth.

~

When Uhtred awoke in the early hours of the next morning he had a moment to feel disgruntled as he thought of the day ahead arguing battle strategy with those who knew nothing of battle. 

Then he remembered the plan he had forged with Finan the night before and couldn’t help but smile to himself. The priests may hate him more but he would certainly amuse his own Gods. He felt sure Loki would be on his side at least.

Finan was an odd beast when it came to his belief, he was Christian sure but not like any Christian Uhtred had ever known. Even compared to the other Christians in Uhtred’s service.

The Irish it seemed took their belief in the Christian God hand-in-hand with their own folklore and Finan preferred to speak with his God in private rather than through the priests like most Saxons did.

If Finan had no issue with people believing they lay together then Uhtred could only assume that he did not believe the Christian God would be offended by it.

Uhtred stood to dunk his head in the bowl of water nearby to clear it of the ale from the night before. He missed the lake near his home where he could wash properly but this would do for now.

As a Lord he had his own room in the inn but he knew his men would be stirring in the rooms down the hall so he dressed and made ready to leave. They would have a quick breakfast downstairs and then head to the Witan.

Finan was already at the table downstairs when Uhtred came down, the other men had yet to arrive but Uhtred had heard them moving about.

“Mornin’ Lord,” Finan nodded as he took a bowl of porridge from the inn’s barmaid.

“Morning,” Uhtred waved at the barmaid to bring him a bowl as well, seating himself opposite Finan.

“So, quick question before the rest of them clatter on down here, are we letting the boys in our little joke today?” Finan asked, leaning forwards slightly so as not to be overheard though they were very few other patrons here this early.

“It will be more convincing if they believe it too, don’t you think? Besides if we did tell them, you know at least one of them is going to let it slip when they’re drunk,” Uhtred pointed out.

“Aye, you’re probably right about that,” Finan laughed. They both looked up as they heard the men coming down the stairs.

“If you really want to convince them to add credence to the whole thing we may as well start here and now,” Finan raised an eyebrow and placed his hand over Uhtred’s on the table.

Uhtred bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing and tried to make some small talk about how well they had slept the night before. They waited just long enough for the first few men to appear at the bottom of the stairs and see them before Finan withdrew his hand quickly, as though alarmed to be caught.

Uhtred watched his men out the corner of his eye as he took his own warm bowl of porridge from the barmaid and dug in. They were a few glances and raised eyebrows between them but no-one said anything. 

Uhtred studiously avoided eye contact with Finan and began talking with Osferth who had sat next to him. 

~

The remainder of the morning went quietly and before they knew it they were readying to make their way to Alfred’s hall.

Though Uhtred knew he would have to surrender his swords at the door he strapped on Serpent-Breath and Wasp-Sting anyway, reluctant to go anywhere without them. 

Uhtred and Finan walked at the head of their group as they headed to the Witan, conversation turned to how to convince King Alfred that their best chance against this new Danish invasion was to ride out and meet them head on before they made their way any further south.

When they arrived at the hall there were already many priests milling about as Alfred’s ealdormen trickled in. Most of Uhtred’s men remained outside, only a few of his most trusted came with him. Sihtric followed as always but Osferth elected to stay outside, always nervous to be in the same room as his father.

Uhtred took a bench on the right side of the hall for him and his men, he took care to sit as closely to Finan as he could, thigh pressed against his companions. It was oddly comforting.

He saw some priests looking over, some of them he recognised had spoken out against him before. He lifted his hand to Finan’s shoulder and leaned close to his ear.

“Let the games begin,” Uhtred muttered, Finan snickered and turned slightly toward his Lord and friend, their faces now so close Uhtred could feel Finan’s breath on his cheek.

“Let’s see if we can’t make some crows shit their pants in outrage,” Finan winked and leaned back. Uhtred let his hand linger on Finan’s shoulder a moment before pulling back. To his satisfaction at least three priests were frowning directly at them.

Once the hall was full one of the Bishop’s stood forward and announced the arrival of King Alfred. All stood as the King made his way to the dais, Uhtred saw the lines in Alfred’s face and could only assume that he was in pain again. 

That may at least mean Alfred would want a quick resolution to today’s meeting so that he could retire for the day.

As Alfred seated himself so too did the rest of the attendees bar the priests who stood at the front of the room. Bishop Plegmund stood forward and began the sermons for the day’s meet.

Nothing ever happened here without there first being a sermon, it made Uhtred’s head hurt. At least today there might be some reprieve from the boredom.

He started off slow, whispering the odd comment to Finan and leaning a little closer than needed. They got a few more frowns but it may have had more to do with interrupting Plegmund’s sermon, which was the usual spout about the sinning pagans.

What Uhtred hoped was at least halfway through the sermon he decided to go full tilt and placed his hand very conspicuously on Finan’s knee.

Sihtric sent a startled glance their way but said nothing, the priests on the other hand looked apoplectic. Plegmund stumbled over his words and at least one of the priests at the back looked as if he were turning purple. 

King Alfred was luckily drowsy enough with pain that he did not notice his semi-tamed pagan was making mischief.

“You think any of them are wondering how good you are in bed for me to risk Alfred’s displeasure?” Uhtred joked, leaning close again. 

Finan sent him a look that was pure filth and suddenly Uhtred was wondering how good he was in bed. 

“I’ve had no complaints Lord,” Finan winked as though reading his mind. Uhtred chuckled to try and cover up that he was suddenly feeling warm and withdrew his hand.

The sermons and prayers eventually died out and the business of the day began, Uhtred argued again for meeting the Danes head on and found himself an unlikely ally from one of the Lord’s of Essex. 

 

It was still not enough however, too many others were reluctant to commit to battle and risk their men and resources. As it stood the Danes were only raiding on the edge of Mercia but more were gathering each day and Uhtred knew they would make their way to Wessex sooner or later.

When they broke up for the midday meal they had made no progress at all.

“It’s like dealing with squabbling children who don’t want to share their toys,” Uhtred grumbled to Finan as they made their way out of the hall to find the nearest place serving food. They picked up their weapons on the way out and called over their men. 

Frustrated as he was by the morning’s talks, Uhtred was delighted to see that the alehouse they alighted on for food was also serving a few of the priests from the Witan.

“Fancy continuing the game?” Uhtred smiled at Finan, Finan beamed and immediately slung his arm around Uhtred’s shoulders. 

“My good innkeep, ale for m’Lord!” Finan called, attracting the attention of everyone in the vicinity, including the priests.

Leaning towards Uhtred as they walked to the nearest table Finan placed his hand over Uhtred’s stomach.

“I think this is the most fun I’ve ever had at a Witan,” Finan whispered to him as one of the priests choked on a gulp of ale.

They pulled apart as they sat down and Uhtred found himself missing the warmth of Finan’s hand. 

Sitting next to each other on the bench, closer than usual, Osferth sent a questioning look their way and raised an eyebrow at Sihtric when he thought Uhtred wasn’t looking. 

Uhtred himself tried to think of where to go from here, he had never exactly flirted before, if there was a mutual attraction between himself and a woman then they generally just took what they wanted of each other. Now though he needed to create the appearance of flirtation. 

They were brought mugs of ale and some bowls of stew with bread and the men chatted amicably as they ate. Uhtred took care to touch Finan more than could be considered coincidental and Finan leaned close enough for Uhtred to feel his breath on his neck every time he wanted to say something.

Halfway through eating the priests stood and left, scowling at them on the way out. Finan looked at Uhtred and they both burst into laughter. 

“May I ask what’s so funny Lord?” Osferth asked, confused.

“Nothing Osferth,” Uhtred waved his question off.

They eased off each other then, there was no reason to continue when there was no audience.

Uhtred found himself glad to enjoy his food and the company of his men without being distracted by Finan’s breath on the nape of his neck every other minute. He had begun to get an anticipatory shiver every time Finan leaned over which was at the very least odd if not wholly disconcerting.

~

When they returned to the Witan Uhtred sat closely with Finan again but did no more. It had been fun but his focus now was on getting Alfred to listen to him.

After hours more argument eventually Alfred conceded, they would raise the fyrd and march from Lundene, meeting the Mercian army halfway. He insisted however that when they reached their destination he would convene with the leaders of the Danish army for one last attempt to convince them to leave peacefully.

If they could reach no acceptable terms then the armies would meet in battle.

Uhtred knew that the amount of silver the Danes would try to levy would be unacceptable so battle was, as it usually was, inevitable.

Still he was pleased that Alfred still trusted him when it came to strategy. They had decided that if the talks went ill Uhtred would lead a band of men to cut the Danes off from behind, burn their ships and turn to attack the rear of the Danes’ shield-wall. 

It was a good plan and Uhtred tried not to be too confident about it, there were still many things that could go wrong and he instinctively touched the hammer around his neck as he thought of them.

The Witan would convene one more day to hear any grievances or disputes that Alfred’s ealdormen wished to raise and then they would set about the business of war. 

~

Finan found that he could not relax that night, Sihtric was snoring next to him but he was used to that. No, the problem was every time he started drifting to sleep he felt the warmth of Uhtred’s hand on his knee.

But it was just a joke, a fun joke, but just a joke. 

He had known since the slavers ship that he would gladly die for Uhtred, he loved him more than he had ever loved his traitorous piece of shit brother. 

He would follow Uhtred anywhere but he wasn’t entirely sure where he was following him this time. 

If he went down this path he might find himself stranded somewhere he couldn’t get back from and Uhtred may not be on the same path. He would be alone, trapped in wanting something he could never have.

Finan turned again on his bedroll and huffed at his own melancholy thoughts. He resolved to speak to Uhtred and cut the prank off before it went any further, before he found himself unsatisfied with only being Uhtred’s friend and comrade.

It was far past the witching hour when he eventually drifted into a troubled sleep.

~

Uhtred felt like shit, his sleep had been broken up by vague dreams that had slipped away as soon as he woke, leaving only a faint sense of loss behind.

He dressed and made his way downstairs to see that the only other person awake was Osferth. The lad smiled as Uhtred sat opposite him.

“Sleep well Lord?” Osferth asked.

“Not in the slightest,” Uhtred groused and waved at the innkeeper for food and drink.

“Mm, you do look a bit tired,” Osferth commented. “As we’re alone Lord I was wondering if it wouldn’t be too impertinent to have a word about Finan,” he continued, looking completely innocent as Uhtred froze.

Uhtred had not exactly planned what he would say if any of his own men confronted him about their little joke, maybe he should tell the boy the truth. It would only be Osferth after all, the rest of the men need not know and Osferth was almost as loyal as Finan himself.

On the other hand Osferth was an ex-priest, maybe he had grievance with their behaviour in which case Uhtred would rather know now.

Uhtred made a non-committal noise and let Osferth read whatever he wanted between the lines.

“I wanted to say that I’m glad that you sorted yourselves out, I’m not sure what finally pushed you to it but honestly it’s been a while coming.”

Of all the things Uhtred might have been expecting this was not it.

Luckily the innkeeper had just brought over some thin ale and some bread and cheese. Uhtred inhaled half of his drink as he waited for his face to resolve into an expression that wasn’t quite utter panic.

“You know that we all loved Gisela, I especially, she was a very kind woman and very good to you and we all felt her loss,” Osferth continued.

“We were all concerned for you afterwards but most of us knew that it was only Finan that could heal that wound so we hoped that you would eventually figure things out. It took a little longer than we thought but I’m glad that you can find your peace in each other now,” Osferth smiled.

“That said,” Osferth pressed on, Uhtred was looking studiously at the bread in front of him, “I think it’s probably unwise to rile the priests as you know that they can make things difficult for you with my father.”

Uhtred brought himself to meet Osferth’s gaze finally.

“I will take that into consideration, thank you Osferth,” Uhtred said finally, trying to sound as if he still held authority after being chided. 

“If you’ll excuse me a moment,” Uhtred stood calmly, attempting to look as if he just needed a piss rather than look like he was running away. Which he was. Running away. 

Both from Osferth’s knowing smile and the sudden knowledge that it was not just some gossiping priests that thought he was sleeping with Finan but apparently all of his men.

By the sounds of it as well Uhtred’s men did not exactly believe this was something casual.

Uhtred gulped in cold air as he made his way outside. This whole thing had got way out of hand. Uhtred would just have to tell Finan they had to call it off. Messing with some priests was not worth this utter confusion. 

What did Osferth even mean when he said it was a while coming?!

Uhtred thought back to the day before, the shiver of Finan’s breath on his neck, the warmth of his arm around his shoulders. The excited thrill of putting his hand on his knee that was not wholly to do with upsetting Alfred’s priests.

Then he thought further back, the complete trust as they stood together in a shield-wall, quiet nights in the feast hall at home with Stiorra on Finan’s lap, laughing as they ate together. 

He thought of the slavers ship, how close he had come to death in that stinking place below deck, wrapped in chains with Finan yelling at him to live long enough to take revenge.

Perhaps it had been a while coming.

Staying outside a moment longer whilst he grew accustomed to this new world-view, Uhtred resolved himself. Now he just had to convince Finan.

~

Finan noted the abandoned food as he came downstairs with the rest of the men and settled next to Osferth, who had already finished his own food.

“Where’s Uhtred?” Finan asked.

“Outside,” Osferth smiled.

“Missing him already?” Sihtric laughed, slapping Finan on the back as he sat on the other side of him.

“Shut up you arse, you owe me a drink for keeping me up with your snoring,” Finan complained.

“Sure,” Sihtric agreed with a shrug.

It wasn’t long before Uhtred returned, he resumed his seat opposite Osferth and nodded in greeting at his men. He remained fairly quiet as they broke their fast, Finan shot him a few quizzical looks but Uhtred shrugged him off. 

When they were ready to leave for the next days’ meet Uhtred walked beside Finan again at the front of their men. He chatted happily with the Irishman and Finan thought that perhaps they were no longer playing their little game anyway so he wouldn’t need to mention calling it off.

A small cluster of priests happened upon the group from a side street. One looked at Uhtred and Finan with a dark expression and stopped to spit at Finan’s feet.

Uhtred drew his blade at the same time as the rest of the men.

“Apologise to my friend you arse-wipe,” Uhtred growled.

The other priests pulled the man away and they scurried along the street, they knew Uhtred’s reputation well enough. 

“We’re sorry Lord, it won’t happen again,” one of them muttered as they left. 

“Buineach dhearg go dtigidh ort!” Finan yelled after them, putting his own blade back in it’s sheaf. 

“What on earth does that mean?” Uhtred turned to look at his friend.

“It’s a curse Lord, that they may have red diarrhoea,” Finan grinned as Uhtred laughed. 

~

The day went easily from there, the discussions of various land disputes were uneventful. Alfred was a good mediator and he seemed healthier today.

Uhtred sat so that his thigh pressed to Finan’s as yesterday but he made no other move, content to wait.

Finan it seemed thought the joke was at an end and left things as they were, only leaning over to make the odd disparaging remark about other ealdormen just to watch as Uhtred tried to contain his laughter.

By the time night came Uhtred had a plan, they would be moving out the next morning, headed to Lundene to meet up with the rest of his men. He had already sent a messenger to them where they waited at Fragranforda. 

From then on Uhtred’s focus needed to be on the upcoming battle so he only had tonight to enact his plan.

It wasn’t an elaborate plan, he would buy several rounds of strong ale for the men and pretend to be drunker than he was. Then he would corner Finan and if his advances were spurned he could blame it on the drink, claim he was just continuing the joke. No harm done.

Except maybe to his pride if Finan really did spurn him. 

Osferth had seemed to think Finan was equally attracted to him though so maybe this wasn’t a fool’s hope.

~ 

The plan was going great, everyone was already drunk enough to start singing ballads. Uhtred joined in, making a show of stumbling over the words whilst Finan laughed at him. 

There was a warmth in the pit of Uhtred’s stomach that had little to do with the ale.

By the time Uhtred had already broken up one brawl between his men and some locals he reckoned he should make a move before he really did become drunk. There was only so many times he could only create just the appearance of having a drink. 

Luckily Finan headed outside as Uhtred was calling for more drinks to be passed around, he watched his friend go from the corner of his eye and waited a minute before following.

When Uhtred left the tavern all he could see was darkness, the moon shone faintly behind clouds offering no help at all as Uhtred clattered about trying to see where Finan went.

A hand grabbed at his collar and pulled him into a dark corner, still sober enough to be alert Uhtred reached for his sword before realising it was Finan.

“What are you doing you drunk arse?” Finan, “You’re going to trip and crack your big empty head open,” Finan chided. 

Uhtred could just about make him out now, eyes adjusting to the darkness. 

“Looking for you, you idiot,” Uhtred snapped back.

Bickering was not the plan. Uhtred sighed and tried to resolve himself.

“Nevermind that,” Uhtred began, “Listen, Finan…”

Uhtred didn’t get much further than that as Finan used the hand still on Uhtred’s collar to pull him in for a resounding kiss.

It was hard and fast and Finan was already stepping back before Uhtred had the chance to respond in kind.

Finan let go of Uhtred’s shirt and watched him warily.

Uhtred blinked.

This was not the plan.

He’d damn well take it though.

“And that was?” Uhtred asked.

“I was trying something,” Finan shrugged.

“Well it was a bit too brief for you to have figured anything out so I reckon you should try again idiot,” 

Finan laughed and met Uhtred halfway as he leaned in for another kiss. This time they made it last, indulging in their shared breath. Uhtred pulled at Finan’s waist, desperate for the warmth his body offered. 

Finan’s tongue met his own on an intake of breath, chasing the lingering taste of ale.

They smiled against each other’s lips, drunk on this sudden joy.

It was Finan who began to snicker, he pulled back to try and stifle the laughter but then Uhtred was laughing as well and they were both lost to it.

“Bloody hell we’re both idiots, forget the priests I think the joke was on us,” Finan said finally as their laughter calmed. “We should probably tell the boys for real though this time,” Finan pointed out.

“Oh they already know,” Uhtred answered.

“What do you mean they know?”

“Osferth had a whole talk with me about it, they’re all very supportive, apparently most of them have been expecting this to happen for a while,” Uhtred explained.

“Bloody hell we’re idiots,” Finan repeated, shaking his head as he realised how much so.

“Yes but I at least am an idiot with private lodgings,” Uhtred hinted.

“Well lead on then,” Finan grinned and followed as always.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback would be so very appreciated :)


End file.
